Begging For Silence

For the short-term foreseeable future, this site is on a temporary hiatus from new posts beginning today.

I’ve taken breaks from blogging before (most notably December 2008 – January 2010), usually because of life-stressors that bothered me to the point of being too upset or frustrated to write even remotely coherently. Some of the earliest posts on this blog are indicative of the remains of that portion of my life. Typically speaking, if I’ve stopped blogging in the past, it’s been for one of two reasons: either I’m so overwhelmed in life I can’t write worth a damn, or I’ve become so busy that I just don’t have the time to put the effort into a blog that I would want to read.

Thankfully, this hiatus is due to neither of those reasons. Honestly, things have been going really well in life as a whole. Granted, there are things that come up here and there that are a nuisance, yet those instances are typically so infrequent and trivial that I really don’t have much to complain about. As I’ve stated before, this blog is just as much about providing myself with an outlet to vent my emotions as much as it is to provide myself with a tool to network with other writers and like-minded people.

There is a strong potential that the blog will return in the coming months, though I can’t guarantee it.  I’ll still be hanging around to check and approve comments if you so wish to do so. For those of you who’ve been following my stories, I will be continuing on with them, though it will be in a slightly different format. In the event you wish to keep following along with the stories/have access to old stories, please provide me with an email address. Details will follow on this both via email as well as on the blog.

Until later.

-inurbase

On The Disappointment That Is Cleveland Sports

The following post is dedicated to all my friend (no, that’s not a typo) that are fans of Cleveland sports teams. You’re welcome.

1796 – The City of Cleveland is founded at the mouth of the Cuyahoga River at Lake Erie. The city’s first settler, Lorenzo Carter, proceeds to lose his homestead in a best of seven series against his chickens.

1865 – Cleveland’s first sports team, the Forest Citys of Cleveland (a baseball team) is founded

1885 – John D. Rockefeller moves the Standard Oil Company to New York City, making his announcement in a 14-part telegram message known as “My Decision”

1894 – The Grand Rapids Rustlers, a team which would later become the Cleveland Indians, is founded. They would move to Cleveland six years later

1912 – The city’s baseball team, at this point named the Cleveland Naps, were referred to by locals as the Cleveland Napkins, as they tended to fold so easily. Foreshadowing is a devious bitch.

1919 – Indians’ shortstop Ray Chapman becomes the only player to be killed in a professional baseball game, as he dies from injuries suffered when he’s hit in the head by a pitch from Carl Mays of the New York Yankees.

1920 – The Indians win their first World Series title, defeating the Brooklyn Robins (later the Brooklyn Dodgers and Los Angeles Dodgers) 5 games to 2. I dare you to find me someone who was alive for this series who actually remembers it happening.

1936 – The city’s first professional football team to stick around for more than one season, the Cleveland Rams, is founded. The Rams lasted ten seasons in Cleveland.

1940 – Bob Feller of the Indians throws a no-hitter and wins 27 games, yet the Indians finish second to the Detroit Tigers due to Feller choking in the regular season’s final game

1945 – The Cleveland Rams win the NFL title 15-14 over the Washington Redskins, thanks to a safety by Redskins’ hall of fame quarterback Sammy Baugh

1946 – The Cleveland Rams move to Los Angeles. The same year, the Cleveland Browns are founded.

1948 – The Indians win their second (and most recent) World Series title, defeating the Boston (later Atlanta) Braves in the process.

1950 – Including their run in the All-American Football League, the Browns cap off a fifth straight world title, and their first in the NFL, with a 30-28 win over the Los Angeles Rams

1954 – The Browns win their second NFL title. The Indians make the World Series again, only to lose to the New York (later San Francisco) Giants. This series featured Willie Mays’ prolific over-the-shoulder catch that is known to this day only as “The Catch”.

1955 – The Browns win their third NFL title. This is considered by me to be the golden age of Cleveland sports.

1957 – The Browns draft hall of fame running back and Nelson Mandela look-a-like Jim Brown.

1960 – The alleged Curse of Rocky Colavito takes place when the Indians trade right fielder Rocky Colavito to the Detroit Tigers, ultimately giving Terry Pluto material to write terrible books about.

1964 – The Browns win their fourth (and most recent) NFL title with a 27-0 win over the Baltimore (later Indianapolis) Colts.

July 14, 1965 – Jim Brown retires from the NFL, shortly after being part of the filming for the movie The Dirty Dozen.

1968 – Leroy Kelly becomes the last Cleveland Browns player to win the league’s rushing title, his second overall. Kelly’s rushing title is the last individual offensive category title won by the Browns.

1970 – The Cleveland Cavaliers are founded, giving the city the opportunity to have three professional sports teams with losing records for the first time

1976 – The Cleveland Barons become the city’s first NHL affiliate. The Barons would merge with the Minnesota North Stars after two seasons due to financial troubles

1980 – Cleveland Browns quarterback Brian Sipe wins the NFL MVP award. No one knows how this award didn’t go to Earl Campbell.

January 4, 1981 – Red Right 88. Long story short, Brian Sipe mistook Oakland Raiders cornerback Mike Davis for Lake Erie

January 11, 1987 – The Drive. John Elway converts 1^st and 98. Broncos win.

January 17, 1988 – The Fumble. No name defensive back Jeremiah Castille forces Earnest Byner to cough up the football on the Broncos’ 2 yard line, preventing a game tying touchdown. Broncos win.

May 7, 1989 – The Shot. Craig Ehlo thinks he can guard Michael Jordan.

March 22, 1993 – Indians pitchers Steve Olin, Tim Crews, and Bob Ojeda are involved in a boat crash that kills Olin and Crews, and forces Ojeda to retire.

May 17, 1993 – The Shot II. Jordan hits a second buzzer beater against the Cavs. In the same building. At the same end of the court.

1995 – The Indians return to the World Series for the first time since 1954, only to lose in six games to the Atlanta Braves and one of the greatest pitching staffs of all time.

December 25, 1995 – The Cleveland Browns play their final home game before the team gets relocated to Baltimore.

Spring 1997 – The WNBA’s Cleveland Rockers are founded. No…really.

October 26, 1997 – Jose Mesa blows the save in Game 7 of the World Series. After Mesa’s blown save in the 9^th inning, a line drive bounces awkwardly off Charlie Nagy’s glove, ultimately leading to the first world championship for the Florida Marlins

1999 – The Cleveland Browns return to the NFL after a four year hiatus. New GM Carmen Policy realizes how much he misses Jim Drukenmiller, immediately drafting Kentucky quarterback Tim Couch to be a surrogate disappointment.

2003 – The Browns make their last playoff appearance, losing 36-33 to the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Browns lead 33-21 with five minutes to go, only to be defeated by Tommy Maddox and Chris Fuamatu-Ma’afala. On the bright side, the Cavs draft Akron high schooler LeBron James with the first pick of the NBA draft.

2005 – The Cavs lead the Eastern Conference finals series against the Detroit Pistons three games to two, only to choke away games six and seven to the Pistons.

2006 – The Cavs rebound from their loss in the previous season’s conference finals, making it all the way to the NBA finals. The Cavs are swept by the San Antonio Spurs four games to zero.

January 25, 2007 - The Lake Erie Monsters are founded, marking the lowest point in Cleveland sports history.

2007 – The Indians go up three games to one against the Boston Red Sox in the AL Championship series, only to lose the final three games of the series by scores of 7-1, 12-2, and 11-2, respectively.

2010 – The Decision. LeBron James leaves Cleveland for Miami in a publicly televised announcement, scorning the area he grew up in to play with Dwayne Wade and win “not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4….NBA titles”.

If Second Is The Best, Why Doesn’t Second Place Get Remembered

Apparently the Vice-Presidency is only fit for grandfathers. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Earlier this week, Slate published an article discussing instances where vice-presidents of the United States did something to write themselves in the history books. While the article itself is mostly a list (which I have quoted below), though I feel it brings up an interesting point of discussion. Below is the list with my (and Alberta’s) commentary. Which of the following vice-presidential achievements do you feel is the most noteworthy?

1. 1804 – Vice President Aaron Burr kills Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Two hundred years later, Dick Cheney got jealous.

2. 2001 – Vice President Dick Cheney shot someone in the mothafuckin face! Daffy Duck style. (The actual #2 involved him becoming the de facto sitting President during 9/11 when President George W. Bush was being hid…but that wasn’t nearly as entertaining)

3. 1899 – Vice President Garrett Hobart cast the deciding vote to NOT grant independence to the Philippines. He was a dick.

4. 1973 – Vice President Spiro Agnew resigns amid allegations that would later become the Watergate scandal. You’d be surprised how many people under the age of 20 only know Spiro as a dragon.

5. 1828 – Vice President John Calhoun wrote the South Carolina Exposition and Protest. For those of you who don’t know what that is, you obviously didn’t grow up in South Carolina. The document effectively laid the ground work for the Civil War, and for the eternal damnation of the name Calhoun from politics.

6. 2012 – Vice President Joe Biden supports gay marriage, leading President to Barack Obama to endorse same-sex marriage just days later. Imagine Joe Biden as the guy who comments “FIRST!” on an internet video. Then Barack Obama is Wil Wheaton who comes in and trolls everyone who didn’t post “FIRST!”. That’s effectively what happened here.

7. 1993 – Vice President Al Gore humiliates Ross Perot on TV, paving the way for NAFTA. Three years later, Jake “The Snake” Roberts gets humiliated on TV by Steve Austin, paving the way for the Attitude Era. Both items led to the invention of the internet by…Al Capone?

8. 1942 – Vice President Henry Wallace gives one of the most rousing speeches in memo…oh..what? You say FDR dropped him off the ticket for supporting civil rights? And no one knows who the fuck Henry Wallace is? Well then…

For my money Aaron Burr was by far the most impressive of any of the Vice Presidents. Sure Gore, Hobart, Biden, and Agnew effectively changed the course of at least one nation, but they had a lot of help in doing so. Wallace got buried so fast after his speech that he’s practically omitted from history books. Calhoun managed to nearly destroy a nation with one document, but that does more harm than good. Ultimately, it was down to Burr and Cheney…the difference is Burr shot to kill, while Cheney just mistook a friend for a quail.

- .-. .. -.-. -.- … .-. – .-. . .- .

Part 3

October 31, 2040

In Audra’s mind, the second most depressing thing about trick or treating this Halloween was the fact that she still had to go to school the next day. It’s not as though she could change the fact that Halloween fell on a Wednesday this year, and had that been the only issue with tonight’s activities, Audra could have lived with that. But this year was Ivy’s first Halloween where she got to run around trick or treating. The plan was originally for their mom, Destiny, to walk around with Audra, while their dad, Derek, would be with Ivy. Audra would get to go at her own pace, leaving Ivy to walk around slowly and talk with all the old ladies who had cats sitting in their windows.

Destiny’s day job was as a regional political campaign organizer for the Moderate Party. With the presidential election being only six days away, as well as her party’s candidate being the incumbent President of the United States, Destiny had been working overtime politicking locally for President Anderson-Montez. In recent years, Kansas had been a swing state for national elections, particularly after the introduction of a strong third-party. Typically speaking, the northeast would vote for the Democratic candidate, while the southeast would be carry the Republican candidate, and the Moderates would have a tight grasp over most of the northwest and southwest (excluding Texas). With President Anderson-Montez selling part of the southwest to Mexico, it meant that a large portion of those individuals who had put her in office were now Mexican citizens.

As a result, Destiny had driven off to Topeka for the night to help with President Anderson-Montez’s campaign, leaving Audra to trick or treat with Ivy and her dad. On the bright side, Mrs. Coburn had allowed Stephen to come along with them, making Audra’s night a bit more tolerable.  Audra was dressed as a black cat, her tail held up by a coat hanger her dad had bent into the tail so that it wouldn’t drag the ground. Ivy was bundled up in a bumblebee costume that made her look twice the size she really was (in the event making her almost appear to be the size of a normal child), while Stephen wore a brown suit and a bowler hat, pretending to be an English businessman. Audra was hoping this year’s trick or treating would yield her more fruit than she had received last year.

Unbeknownst to Audra, trick or treating used to involve the passing out of candy and other sweets for children, though in 2025, six years before Audra was born, the Food and Drug Administration had declared non-fructose sugars to be a health hazard, effectively driving the candy industry bankrupt in the process. This problem was compounded by the International Union for the Conservation of Nature placing the cacao bean on the endangered species list, which all but made true chocolate an illegal item. While candy companies still existed, the actual purchasing of candy was an arduous process that took piles of paperwork and more time than the common person would attempt to go through. Due to Destiny’s affiliation with the political party in power, she was able to loophole some of these regulations, and every November 1st, Audra would wake up to a small chunk of almond bark and a pair of ginger snaps on her nightstand.

Ivy would start getting the ginger snaps and the almond bark this year. Audra hated that too.

45 minutes into trick or treating, Derek, Audra, Stephen, and Ivy arrived at the next to last house on their list. The home was a small one-story home built in the late 1990s by its current homeowners, David and Jenna Spillman. The Spillmans, now in their 70s, had always given out black licorice before the FDA sugar ban, making it Derek’s favorite house on the street every Halloween. These days, the Spillmans handed Blue Java bananas and Yellow Delicious apples to any children who came by, though for Derek and the girls (as well as Stephen this year), the Spillmans kept a secret stash of black licorice.

Houses all along the street began to turn off their porch lights, signalling the end of the Halloween festivities for the neighborhood. The Spillmans invited everyone in for a glass of milk and a bit of rest before they walked home. As Derek, David, and Jenna retired to the kitchen to discuss the happenings of the day, Audra, Stephen, and Ivy all ran to the home’s family room. The children dug through a giant toy box, with Stephen ultimately grabbing a large pink ball and running away with it. Audra knew the game Stephen had in mind well, as she stood in wait while Ivy clumsily chased Stephen across the room in hopes of retrieving the ball. Stephen stopped at the far side of the room, waiting for Ivy to get a few steps in front of him before tossing the ball over her head.

Audra ran forward to grab the ball and toss it back to Stephen before Ivy had the chance to get her hands on the ball, causing the tossing process to start over again. The whole time, Ivy giggled wildly as the ball flew just outside the reach of her fingertips, her arms trying to grasp the ball just after it had left the airspace above her. Stephen’s next throw fell shorter than normal, giving Ivy a chance to grab the ball before Audra could. Audra took off toward the ball, sprint toward it as fast as her legs would carry her in hopes that she could beat Ivy there. Audra got to the ball first, kicking it toward Stephen as she arrived. No sooner had the ball left Audra’s foot then it connected with Ivy’s face, the impact momentarily stunning her. The ball bounced over Audra’s head and landed in the toy box as Ivy took off running toward the living room crying as hard as her tear ducts would allow.

Ivy arrived in the living room to find her dad and the Spillmans huddled around the television, staring and listening intently to the broadcast coming from the news channel. Derek scooped Ivy up, hugging her tightly in his arms and trying to hush her sobbing. As Derek’s shushing overtook Ivy’s fear and pain, her cries turned silent, although tears continued to run down her face. As the salty water from her sobs began to make Ivy’s red curls stick to her cheeks, the sound of her dad’s calming voice faded slowly into the background, leaving only the television’s noise as the ambiance in the room.

With only six days before the presidential election, it appears likely that the first thoughts of the American voters will not be on the results of the election, but on the health of President Christina Anderson-Montez. As we learned a few minutes ago, President Anderson-Montez suffered a heart attack while she was at a campaign stop in Columbus, Ohio. The President is currently in critical condition at an undisclosed hospital in the Columbus area, and while her staff reports that doctors are working to make sure the President is in the best health possible, this certainly calls into question what will happen next, both for President Anderson-Montez, as well as the nation’s political future. Everyone here at the station wishes President Anderson-Montez a safe and speedy recovery.

Weekend Top Five (12 May 12)

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