About four weeks ago, I started my new job. As anyone who’s gone into the first days of a fast-paced job will tell you, there are some things you just don’t catch your first few days on the job. For example, when I started working at a pizza shop in high school, it took me just over a month to realize we had not one, but three matching clocks in our lobby (to be fair, they were painted the same shade of green as the walls, not to mention the fact that I never went to the lobby except to sweep at night). When I was in Phoenix working for the university, we shared our end of the office building with two other companies, one of which was a real estate insurance company. It took me nearly two months to realize how much of the north wing of the building they actually took up (about 45%) and that they made up about 70% of the lunch crowd in the building’s cafeteria.

At this new job, I met my “well I didn’t know that was there” moment on Monday. There is only one men’s bathroom in the entire building, located on the first floor near one of the exits. As I walked in to the bathroom, I glanced past where all the toilets are located, only to see there is a door embedded within the far wall. The door is identical to the main entrance door of the room in every way, with the exception of the entrance door having the word “MEN” labeling it on the outside. During my lunch I wandered around the bottom floor of the building, trying to find out if there was an alternate entrance to the bathrooms, but alas there was none. While the average person may assume that the door leads to a janitor’s closet, I feel there is something far more sinister afoot.

I’m convinced said unmarked door is a portal to another dimension.

You’re reading that right. Inside an otherwise normal door in the middle of northern Ohio lies the gateway to heaven, hell, or Canada. Beyond its aluminum alloy handle lies untold riches and daring adventures for all those who wish to traverse its perils paths. This door could be the entrance to the greatest story ever told!

Or it could just be where the extra toilet paper is stored…

What do you think is behind the door?

- The last time a team other than New England, Indianapolis, or Pittsburgh was the AFC representative to the Super Bowl was the 2002 season.

- The New York Giants have never lost a NFC title game.

As a result of the Patriots’ 23-20 win over the Ravens and the Giants’ 20-17 victory over the 49ers, the football watching populous of America is granted with the privilege of watching a rematch of Super Bowl XLII. And by granted, I mean forced, and by privilege, I mean the horror of two more weeks of New York vs. Boston coverage of another sport from ESPN. As a fan of neither of these teams, this is a horrid matchup to have as the league’s biggest game of the year. While last year’s matchup featured two teams I despise in the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers, at least there was a sense of history with those two teams in the title game. This year? It’s all about two of the largest media markets in America and all the constant attention they attract.

Before the season, I had picked the Baltimore Ravens versus the New Orleans Saints in the Super Bowl. It would have been a decent matchup between a team I legitimately enjoy watching (New Orleans) and a team that I have no opinion on (Baltimore). My ideal Super Bowl would feature the Indianapolis Colts against the Seattle Seahawks, though considering the amount of big game appearances from the Colts in recent years, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Cincinnati Bengals or Miami Dolphins as the AFC’s representative. Hell, I’d even take the end of the world special (Detroit Lions vs. Cleveland Browns) over watching either the Giants or Patriots in the Super Bowl again.

Instead of a Super Bowl that anyone not in the Northeastern part of the United States would enjoy, we’re stuck with yet another media overload about “the most relevant media markets in the United States”. It’s Red Sox-Yankees. It’s Celtics-Knicks. It’s Bruins-Rangers. It’s Pats-Jets. Hell, if Boston College vs. St. John’s lacrosse mattered, we’d be hearing about that 24/7 too. While I understand that most individuals located in and around the ESPN campus likely have ties to one of these two media markets (since Bristol is pretty well centered between the two), that doesn’t mean the rest of America cares. If a pair of peewee football teams were playing in the Super Bowl, we’d all tune in. Why? It’s the fucking Super Bowl.

Any American watching the Super Bowl will be well aware of the Giants and Patriots. Honestly, it isn’t because of the breakout years from Victor Cruz or Rob Gronkowski, nor is it thanks to the unheralded skills of Julian Edelman or Chase Blackburn. It’s because these two teams are part of the few that ESPN is willing to devote more than 10 seconds a show to. Frankly, I’m tired of the northeast part of the country dominating sports. I’m even willing to accept a continued dominance of college football by the SEC if it means that I won’t have to see the Patriots, Eagles, Giants, Jets, or Steelers in the playoffs for the next 20 years. The lone exception to this would be the Bills…we all know they’re not getting back to the big game any time soon.

I’ll have my game breakdown and predictions later this week, but I can honestly say I probably won’t be watching the Super Bowl live. It’s a shame the game isn’t this weekend, when at least I’ll have the Royal Rumble to distract me from yet another Super Bowl where I can’t stand the eventual winner.

Good evening. 

I’d like to start off by apologize for the grim nature of the previous part of my tale, as well as the following chapter which I am preparing to tell you. I assure you that the story of my life is a far happier one than this part of the story would dare indicate, however in order to properly detail the circumstances surrounding my life now, it is vital that I educate you on both the positives and the negatives of the past. For those of you with a tendency to tear up easily when reading about death, my apologies both for the last part of my story, as well as this one.

To reiterate a bit of previous information, my name is Raymond Thomas Michalec. I was born Friday, May 13, 1983 at 3:19 in the morning in Harrison, North Dakota to Robert Michalec and Hazell LeBell (later Michalec). Hazel died in 1988 as the result of complications from the birth of my younger sisters, Corrine and Brynne. At the time of her passing, my father was tasked with taking care of four children: myself, Corrine and Brynne, as well as Ingrid, who chronologically was born after me, though before the twins. Even though all four of us children matured rather quickly, my father never rebuilt his social life after Hazel passed on. There were occasional dates that he’d go out on with women, but as far as I could tell, none of them were ever considered to be good enough to bring home to meet us. The dates themselves were few and far between, as the majority of Robert’s free time was spent taking care of us children. Between driving the twins to ballet practice, shutting Ingrid from one soccer camp to another, and my various musician’s clinics, my father’s every waking moment when he wasn’t at work was spent with at least one of his kids.

I’d like to think I lived a fairly normal life through high school. I was the lead tenor saxophonist for my high school’s marching and jazz bands, as well as an active participant in the school’s French club. I began dating my first serious girlfriend midway through my sophomore year, just before school recessed for Christmas break. Her name was Marian Rubinski, though everyone called her Ruby. Ruby was two years my elder, a senior standing to my sophomore status, though neither of us saw such a small age gap as anything to be worried about. She was a member of the school’s show choir, and when our jazz band needed a female number, Ruby was our primary choice.

From a visual standpoint, Ruby and I provided an interesting contrast to each other. I had grown to a respectable height of five feet and eleven inches all by the middle of my sophomore year, retaining the blonde curls and dark brown eyes that had graced my head since birth. While I wasn’t the skinniest kid in the world, I’d have to say my frame was far more athletic at the age of sixteen than it is now. Ruby, on the other hand, was often accused of being anorexic thanks to her petite frame, not to mention her constant exercise and the general fits of jealousy coming from the high school preppy girl crowd. She had straight ebony hair that ran from the base of her skull to the middle of her back, with only an occasional wave between the top of her shoulders and the end of her hair to disrupt its flow.

We dated for just over four months, during which time I brought her home to meet the rest of my family. Ruby got along with my younger sisters fine, though her interactions with my dad were less than promising. While Ruby only visited a handful of times, she never seemed totally comfortable when my dad spoke to her, often going so far as to leave the room when he entered just to avoid talking to him. Shortly before we broke up, I found out Ruby had a rather tumultuous relationship with her parents, particularly her father, and that her visits to my house were more of a way for her to escape home than they were an avenue to see me. During the summer between my sophomore and junior years, Ruby was found beaten to death with a crowbar in her driveway. Her father was sentenced to life in prison a few months later. It’s a shame Ruby couldn’t find a family that would treat her right…we would have gladly taken her in.

The only other semi-serious relationship I had during my high school years was with a girl named Kristin Brown. In the small circle of friends I hung around with in high school Kristin was the only one who wasn’t part of any of the school’s bands. I hadn’t even thought twice about Kristin until one day in December of my senior year when she found out that we would be going away to the same college. We started up a relationship of convenience that lasted through Valentine’s Day, prom, graduation, and the first few weeks of college. After my relationship with Ruby, I had become a bit hesitant to have a girlfriend, though after being with Kristin for nearly eight month I began to feel pretty secure. It wasn’t until I walked into Kristin’s dorm room to find her with a pair of soccer players from Germany that I realized she didn’t see us as a long-term couple.

After that incident, I began to isolate myself from nearly everyone, love interests and academic peers alike. When Ingrid enrolled at college the next fall I found myself spending a lot of time around her, though outside of classes she was my primary source of social interaction nearly every day. Despite being a two-time all state soccer player in high school, Ingrid willingly chose to keep to herself in college, electing to focus on her studies rather than making friends or networking. Considering the importance that my father had placed on education when we were children, I can’t say that I was surprised to see Ingrid become a devout bookworm. While all four of us children were rather studious, Ingrid always had the biggest struggle when trying to succeed in her classes, often driving herself to near paranoia when she thought she had given an incorrect answer on a test. 

Ingrid and I progressed through college rather quickly, with her graduating in three years while I finished in three and a half myself. Just as we were finishing and heading out to the working world, Corrine and Brynne began their university careers. While Brynne followed Ingrid’s path of being a journalism major, Corrine decided to follow in my footsteps and become a business management major. I didn’t have the heart to tell Corrine that it was damn near impossible to find a good business job without a MBA, but I felt fortunate enough to have found a job at all that I didn’t think it was too big of an issue.

For my first post-college job, I found myself working in sales for an insurance company in their office in Duluth, Minnesota. While the move away from home was exciting, it was somewhat awkward not to be around Ingrid, particularly considering how often we saw each other during college. Ingrid had moved to Boise, Idaho to work for a news station there as a special interest reporter. Most days it was a coin flip as to who hated their new job the most, though while Ingrid seemed to settle in to her new role after a few months, I found that I wasn’t nearly as comfortable working in a sales environment as my interviewer had led me to believe. Every night I fell asleep the same way: curled up under a giant comforter after having downed a handful of Tylenol to kill the headache and a glass of whisky to make me forget about the prior day. Under most circumstances I’d wake up the next morning a little groggy, though there would be the occasional morning I felt like I was being awoken by the devil himself.

September 19, 2007, a Wednesday, was one of those mornings. At 3:41am, approximately two and a half hours before my alarm clock was scheduled to go off, my cell phone let out a piercing shriek that echoed through my apartment. I shot out up bed, stumbling across the room to my dresser in order to grab the phone before it woke up my neighbors. I picked up the phone to the sound of Corrine screaming and crying hysterically. A few hours prior, my father had died in a car crash on his way home from visiting Corrine and Brynne. While Brynne (correctly) attributed the fatal crash to the drunk driver that hit my father’s car head-on, to this day Corrine blames herself for letting him drive home that night. It’s really a shame that she does, as there’s not really anything she could have said to change his mind if it was made up.

A few weeks after the funeral, we four children had to deal with the process of settling our dad’s estate. His will stipulated that all of his belongings be divided evenly amongst the four of us, though he left who got what for us to decide. I was digging through the closet of his old bedroom when I came across a wood cigar box. In my clumsiness, I dropped the box on the floor, busting it open and shattering the fragile container all over the closet. As I hastily attempted to corral the cigars, I noticed a yellowing paper among the wood shards. I took it out to the light to inspect it better, only to discover it was my birth certificate. It read as follows:

Child Name: Raymond Thomas Michalec
Hospital: Saint Dymphna Hospital, Harrison, ND
Name of Father: Robert James Michalec
Name of Mother: Jane Doe
Birth Date: 13-May-1983
Birth Time: 3:19AM CST

Upon reading the name of my birth mother not being listed as Hazel LeBell, I immediately thought that it had to have been because her and my father were not married, though that idea quickly fled my mind as I knew that was not the case. I collapsed to the floor and wept like a baby for the first time since Hazel’s funeral. One of the twins (I wish I could remember who) heard me crying and came in to wrap her arms around me for comfort, but she didn’t know why I was in tears. There was no way any of my sisters could have known what was wrong. Everything I had been told as a child about my life was wrong.

The guest speaker was a Dr. James Cone. For those of you not familiar with Dr. Cone’s work, he is a noted professor, author and Black liberation theologist. Cone is best known for his books Black Theology and Black Power and Martin and Malcolm in America: A Dream or A Nightmare, as well as his numerous publications in regards to Black liberation theology. For his talk Wednesday night, Dr. Cone discussed the idea of Martin Luther King Day, and how Dr. King (likely) would have despised the concept of a holiday in his name. Dr. King’s dislike for the idea of a holiday of his own wasn’t the only thing I learned from the talk. Here’s a list of the things I learned from Dr. Cone’s speech.

1. The programs have MLK abbreviated as MLKing. This makes me think MLKing is a verb defined as the act of being like MLK.
2. Dr. Cone has a very Christopher Walkenesque syntax
3. He said “Georger”. Really.
4. Jesus + the prophet Amos = MLK
5. Per Dr. Cone, MLK was angrier than Rev. Jeremiah Wright
6. Fun fact: Rev. Wright was heavily influenced and inspired by Dr. Cone’s work.
7. Politicians lie. All of them.
8. LBJ and J. Edgar Hoover were criminals on par with the KKK
9. He also said “Explanation Point”. Really.
10. Everyone wants a piece of MLK. Not that this hasn’t been accused before.
11. Conservatives are racist.
12. Liberals are racist.
13. Dead people don’t talk back.
14. America’s original sin isn’t the same as man’s original sin. By the property of association, this means Americans aren’t humans.
15. The 2008 presidential race was between Barack Obama and “The Other Guy”.
16. Speaking of Obama, he should be talking about race more often.
17. Despite this, Obama is a prophet.
18. Playing the race card has always bothered the hell out of me…it’s a cop-out when people don’t have an actual argument to make.
19. Americans don’t know other countries exist…particularly poor ones.
20. Parts of this speech are becoming incredibly predictable.
21. For example, Thomas Jefferson is a liar. See #7
22. There were whites in the black civil rights movement.
23. It took Dr. Cone 42 minutes to admit this.
24. The next mispronounced word out of Dr. Cone’s mouth? “Choself”
25. Freedom, in an ideal world, is universal. We don’t live in an ideal world.
26. Apparently the women’s rights movement (beginning in the mid 1800s) took place after the black civil rights movement (1960s).
27. Alberta’s definition of the women’s rights movement? “The right to move from the kitchen to the bedroom and back again.”
28. My girlfriend has an epic sense of humor.
29. The lady photographing the speech is getting way too personal with the floor. In most states that would be considered sexual harassment.
30. The three largest religions in the world were formed by Jesus, Muhammad and Moses.
31. Bladder problems can cause you to miss greatness.
32. The primary topic of the talk? MLK. The topic of the first question? Barack Obama.
33. Obama apparently needs to swing for the fences and talk about race as much as he can. Dr. Cone must have loved the 1998 MLB season.
34. Joke of the night? The Republican presidential field.
35. Alberta on how to ask questions to guest speakers: “Words. Use lots of them. Then shut the fuck up and walk away.”
36. Jesus only cared about poor whites. MLK was better because he cared about poor blacks AND poor whites.
37. Dr. Cone has reiterated this point three times already.
38. The only decade that we need to learn from? The 1960s. History before that decade doesn’t matter.
39. Another gem from Dr. Cone? “Git yo teachas!”
40. As a side note, he’s plugged more books during this Q&A session than LeVar Burton did during the entire run of Reading Rainbow.
41. On the bright side, at least he supports LGBT rights.
42. Some dude just plugged his band twice during his question. This prompted Dr. Cone to complain about the lack of fighting music in the world today. He’s apparently not a Rage Against The Machine fan.
43. Early in the talk: Obama is a prophet. During Q&A session: Obama is not a prophet.
44. Twenty points to the girl asking the question for calling Dr. Cone out on his flip-flopping.
45. Last question of the night addresses the rural versus urban divide…it’s also the first one I’ve been interested in.
46. Jesus is universal, not just black.
47. Despair keeps things in place. So does organization. Therefore organization = despair.
48. Some kid just ran up and went on a giant rant about Ron Paul. Dr. Cone RIPPED apart Ron Paul’s civil rights record. Prior to this question the room was divided into distinct camps among who agreed with Dr. Cone and who didn’t. The entire room (except the kid asking the question) just erupted in some combination of laughter/cheers/applause.

At the end of last week (sometime around 11pm on Sunday the 15th), this site had its 20,000th visitor come to the page. If you include the 5,000 visitor milestone, this is the 3rd straight milestone visit that came from outside the United States despite nearly 75% of my traffic coming from the USA (visitor 5,000 was from Pakistan, 10,000 was from the United Arab Emirates). The 20,000th visitor to the site also came from a country other than the United States, with this visitor coming from Poland. Poland is one of the many countries I’d like to visit one day, so I’ve devoted this weekend’s post to five cities in Poland I’d like to travel to.

5. Cracow, Poland

4. Gdansk, Poland

3. Wroclaw, Poland

2. Lublin, Poland

1. Radom, Poland

Early in the episode, SNL had the following sketch about the perceived self-entitlement issues of the young adults of this generation.

While you could easily present an argument as to whether or not poor parenting and No Child Left Behind is to blame for a self-entitled youth base, there was a sense of irony later in the show when “You Can Do Anything” poster child Lana Del Rey tried to sing.

Remember kids: if you think you can do it, you can…no matter how much (or how little) talent you actually have. Had Lana Del Rey been a remotely interesting stage performer, I could have forgiven her horrid voice and corny song lyrics. Unfortunately, Del Rey was awful in every sense of the word, yet completely oblivious to the fact that she isn’t a talented entertainer. To be fair, it could always be worse…she could have forgotten the words to her own songs.

sopastrike.com

Fight For The Future

After two weekends of the NFL playoffs, we’ve lost the last three Super Bowl champions (Pittsburgh, New Orleans, Green Bay), a pair of teams led by rookie quarterbacks (Cincinnati, Houston), a pair of teams incapable of shaking postseason woes (Detroit, Atlanta) and the hottest media topic since Brett Favre showed his wang a Jets’ staffer (Denver). Now we’re left with four teams who have a combined 12 Super Bowl wins in 16 appearances, all vying for a chance to win another championship. Before we get into my picks, here’s a few interesting stats for you.

• The last time a team other than New England, Indianapolis, or Pittsburgh was the AFC representative to the Super Bowl was the 2002 season.
• If San Francisco (5-0) and Baltimore (1-0) meet in the Super Bowl, it will be the first time two teams with at least a 1-0 record met in the Super Bowl.
• This year marks the first time since 2009 that the Super Bowl will be played in an AFC team’s home stadium.
• Three of the four teams playing this weekend (Baltimore, New England, San Francisco) lost in their last conference title game appearances.
• The home team from the AFC Championship game has advanced to the Super Bowl every year since 2006.
• The Baltimore Ravens have been in three AFC title games, but have never played one at home.
• The New York Giants have never lost a NFC title game.

New York Giants (11-7) at San Francisco 49ers (14-3)

For as much talk as there’s been about Alex Smith’s late touchdown pass to Vernon Davis to propel the Niners to the NFC title game, I honestly think the most pivotal play of their win over the Saints came on the previous touchdown when Smith scampered 28 yards to give the 49ers a 29-24 lead. Without that run, I don’t think Smith leads the 49ers on the game winning touchdown. For a quarterback that only had four career rushing touchdowns prior to the game, Smith looked more like Steve Young than Saints fans were hoping to see. Yet despite all that…it’s hard not to look at the Giants and think Eli Manning is going to lead them on a similar Super Bowl run as the team went on in 2007. San Francisco won the regular season meeting between the teams, but Tom Coughlin is a master of beating teams if a second matchup comes to fruition.

Prediction: New York 15, San Francisco 13

Baltimore Ravens (13-4) at New England Patriots (14-3)

The Patriots are a 7.5 favorite in this game. Seriously. The team with the second worst defense in the NFL (in terms of yards allowed) is a more than one touchdown favorite over a team with one of the best defensive units in recent memory. Sure the Ravens have some older players on their roster (Ray Lewis and Ed Reed come to mind), and their offense doesn’t have any game breaking players other than Ray Rice, but this is still the team that was 6-0 against playoff teams in the regular season (by contrast, the Patriots were 1-2). I’ll take the Ravens in a route.

Prediction: Baltimore 35, New England 17

Last Week’s Picks: 3-1
Last Week’s Picks (against the spread): 3-1

Playoff Record: 5-3
Playoff Record (against the spread): 5-3